When a Family Grieves- Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One
Families weather many hardships together, from flu seasons to job losses. But
when a loved one dies, it tests family bonds as nothing else can. Whether
it's the loss of a grandparent, a spouse or even the family dog, grief can
hit hard and last longer than anyone expects. After a loss, family members
often deal with their grief in different ways. Grief can draw families closer
together. Sometimes, it can pull them apart.
No one can adequately prepare you to handle your grief -- let alone a
spouse's or a child's grief. Learning about grief and how it affects
your family can help you get through the difficult times together. It may even
help your family grow stronger.
A World Upside Down
"When you're grieving, you're in a state of chaos," says Tom
Golden, L.C.S.W., psychotherapist. Grief throws your life into turmoil. It
disrupts routines. Deeply held beliefs can become flimsy in the face of loss.
You can't predict how you'll respond when someone you love dies.
Reactions to loss depend on many factors. How did the person die? What kind of
relationship did you have with the person? Have you had other losses? How did
you deal with them?
It's important to realize that each family member will express grief in his
or her own way. "There are as many ways to grieve as there are
people," Mr. Golden says. In his practice, Mr. Golden has observed
different tendencies in the ways men and women grieve. Women tend to feel more
comfortable talking openly about their emotions. Often, women cry more easily
than men do. Men, he says, tend to take an active approach to handling their
grief. They may, for example, plant a tree or organize an event in honor of the
person who has died. But these are only tendencies. Most people draw from both
types of behavior. It's important to remember that there is no right way to
grieve. Knowing that your parent, child or spouse deals with grief differently
than you do can help you understand and support one another during this
difficult time.
Through a Child's Eyes
As a parent, your first reaction to a death in the family may be to protect
your child from the pain of loss. Be careful that your protective instincts
don't make it more difficult for your child to grieve. Like adults,
children experience chaos and loneliness when someone they love dies. They need
to know that they aren't alone in what they are feeling. You are your
child's role model for how to grieve. Sharing some of your own sorrow can
help your child feel less isolated. "Seeing adults grieve can help
children figure out how they're feeling inside," Mr. Golden says. Your
child might be able to find the words to express his or her own thoughts by
hearing you talk about your sadness or anger.
Children also need to understand what it means for someone to die. This is the
only way they can comprehend what has happened, according to Karen Carney,
R.N., L.C.S.W., bereavement program director of the D'Esopo Resource Center
for Loss and Transition in Wethersfield, Conn. Ms. Carney asks the children she
counsels if they know what has happened to their loved one. They often reply,
"Grandma's gone to heaven," but they don't know what that
means. No one has told them directly that Grandma has died.
"It's important to explain what happens to the body of the person who
has died," Ms. Carney says. You can tell your child: "Grandma's
body has stopped working. Her eyes don't see anymore. Her lungs don't
breathe. Her body doesn't feel anything." You may also want to talk
about your family's spiritual beliefs at this time. It can help comfort
children. Ms. Carney warns parents never to tell their children that the person
who has died has gone to sleep. A child may then believe that he or she could
die simply by going to sleep.
Parents should also reassure children that they will be OK. Children often fear
for their own safety after a loved one dies. They may also fear that their
parents may die. Remind children of all the people who love them and who are
there to take care of them.
On the Path Toward Healing
Family members resolve their grief at different times and in different ways.
The grieving process does not fit into a timetable. Healing from a loss can
take a long time. Experts say that it may take years to adjust to the loss of a
spouse. Children who lose a parent may process grief in spurts over a period of
years.
Soon after a loved one dies, you might feel OK for only a few hours at a time.
Eventually you'll have good days, then weeks. Over time, you'll find
yourself looking to the future with hope. Once you have accepted the loss, it
doesn't mean you've forgotten that person. This is an important point
to stress to children. Remembering this can help them -- and you -- move
forward with life.
Dealing with Loss
These suggestions can help you and your family deal with grief.
-
Talk about the person who died. Use his or her name.
-
Tell stories and express what the person meant to you.
-
Try to wait at least one year before making major decisions.
-
Make new friends, and spend time with old ones. When you feel ready, start to
do things that will help you look forward to the future.
-
Accept changes in family traditions. When a family member dies, family roles
are likely to change. It may help to develop new traditions to suit your new
family structure.
-
Plan ahead for holidays. You and your family might feel more intense grief
around these times.